How we survive is what makes us who we are....

I went home this weekend for my dad's birthday/Easter. It was super nice being home.

Friday night, I didn't get home until late. So, I just hung around at home. Watched That 70's Show pretty much all night. Oh, good stuff. The new ones, without Toper Grace aren't that good. I miss Eric. He's always been my favorite character. Oh, wow, I'm kinda lame, huh?

Friday night.... I had the most bizzare dream ever. Me and Jen were at some big party at some mantion. This place was huge and had three pools. One of the pools ran into the ocean. And we were just chillen and then out of nowhere comes Mark Hoppus. We were talking to him like we knew his forever. And then all of a sudden this hurricane comes outta nowhere and we were right there by the ocean. And there was some chick there, too. I don't know who it was. She was like "Come on! Get in my car!" So, we get in her SUV. Me, Jen, Mark, and random lady. But instead of going away from the water, we sit there by the ocean. And all the waves come up over the car and crash on the other side. I'm pretty sure we made it out of the hurricane alive, though. I texted Jen to tell about it and she's like "That would be an awesome way to die." And really.... It kind of would be. Me, my best friend, my all time hero, and the ocean. lol Some of my favorite things in life.

Saturday, mom made a big dinner for dad's birthday. Seafood alfredo. Yummie. My sister, Ashley, and Randy came over too. Before dinner, I colored Easter eggs with the kids. I was surprised that they didn't do that, yet. I guess, Ashley was set on coloring eggs with me so she wanted to wait. It's kind of like tradition. I've colored Easter eggs with them every year since they could. Every time I see Ash she has something knew that she painted or colored for me. My dorm room is pretty much her art gallery these days. The latest stuff she gave me, I left at home, though. I don't have any more room here. She is the cutest.

Sunday, I went over to my grandparent's on my dad's side for dinner. My aunt Sue was here with one of my cousins. It was nice seeing them. We didn't stay long there, because mom wanted to leave to bring me back. I was back in the rain cloud far too early on Sunday. I keep telling myself that I only have like 3 more weeks to go. Then I get to go home and see everyone again. I never, ever thought I would miss Erie as much as I do. And I never, ever thought that I would miss some of the people there as much as I do. Like, I knew I would miss Jen, that's a given. That girl is pretty much the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. She's the one who kicks me and tells me to move on. But like, people that I only saw once in awhile, I miss them more now that I don't see them at all. And people that I work with. I'm counting down the days until A7X and Coheed with Jenelle. That's like the day after I get home. Oh, and as of right now.... Josh will be able to come home this summer!

What else?

Hmmm.... Easter is my favorite holiday. When I was little, I always thought it was my own holiday. The two days seemed to always fall around each other, so my family just celebrated my birthday and Easter together. So, my birthday was cake, presents, and an Easter egg hunt. It all just went together for me.

As I got older, I think it had a lot more to do with Spring. Spring is when the world starts over. When things become alive, again. And in a lot of ways, the same goes for me. As the snow melts and the weather gets warmer, it's like I become alive again. I crawl out of that dark spot that it is winter. With all the bright colors and sunshine. It's like I'm a completely different person. I start over.

Subtitle: xThe.Birds.And.The.Beesx
((I wrote this Friday night and posted it in my LJ, but decided to copy and paste here now.))

So, I had a hard time picking a title for this Punchlinerific entry. There were far too many parts of the night that I could have quoted. Sluts and the birds and the bees were brought up an awful lot, though.

Today was one busy day. I got up around 6ish. I had prob. and stats. this morning at 8. I didn't do my homework the night before, so I did it during class. Then I had this horrid Anthropology test. I had to write a huge essay on this book I read in an hour after taking a 50 question test. That left about a half hour to write this essay that was supposed to be about 4 pages. I wanted to shoot myself. Truly. And it was bad because for the most part I kept checking the clock in the back of the room. My mind was thinking about seeing Punchline not some Native Tribe in Cananda, I'm not gonna lie.

Mom picks me up around 1030. She stops to get me something to eat. I ate a double whopper this morning at 1030 and you know what? It was amazing. They taste better that early, I think. lol We make it to Erie around 130.

I had to go up to the mall to get Jen's birthday present. My grandma had to go up there, so I went with her. And here's a funny little story.... I get in my grandma's car, she starts it up, the radio starts.... And you know what comes on? KoRn! KoRn is playing from my grandma's radio. I couldn't believe it. I'm like "What are you listening to?" and she's like "I don't know. This is the channel that plays my polka program on Sundays." She was listening to Gannon's radio station and they do play polka on Sundays. lol Oh, I love her.

Mall. Bought Jen's birthday present, finally. And it's killer. I did good.

I got up to Behrend around 430ish. I see Jess as soon as I get there. She had to clear up all the confusion I had over the show deal. Punchline had it listed as a part of their tour and I was excited because I thought Cute Is What We Aim For was going to play. Jess told me that it was actually a battle of the bands and not a part of the tour. She then told me that There's Always Tomorrow was going to play, but they didn't. So, I was dissapointed again. But I can't complain because you know who else played with Punchline. I Am The Avalanche. And they are amazing.

Okay, so I thought about going band through band and talking about them, but then I was like "Fuuuuck that. That's far too much work." So, here are some myspace links for some of the bands that I liked.

Phantasm
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=5670188

Sandlot Heros
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=34255833

Audio Imagery
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=30426244

While I putting up links... Here's Punchline's Purevolume. Check out the new stuff.... Or hell, just go to the FBR site and order the new cd. http://www.purevolume.com/punchline

While I Am The Avalanche set up... I moved up towards the front, so I could do the picture thing. Plus, I'm short. I need to be up front. I can't see over people. While the band was setting up, there was this kid behind me. I was standing facing him because he making a ruckus so I turned around to watch. And all of sudden he's like "You like Punchline?" There I am in my Win and Sin with Punchline shirt. My response was: "Nah, I just like to wear their shirts sometimes." And he was like "Oh, ha! How about that you doooo have their shirt on." And then he procedes to get super close to me and get all touchy and crap. And I'm just like "Hunny, you're drunk, aren't you?" And him and his friend go off about being drunk and how they are gonna get the band's attention and it was a good time to watch them. They made me laugh.

I Am The Avalanche were freakin' amazing. They totally rocked out. It was my first time seeing them. And I enjoyed them. Steve came out to play Wasted with them. Wasted is my favorite. They also played "Dead and Gone" "Took a Beating" "Dungeon Music" "Symphony" and a few covers. I serously thought that the singer was gonna beat up some kids who persistantly chanted "Movielife! Movielife!" through their set. He didn't look too happy with them. It was super annoying, though.

I'm waking to your knees shaking
The whole towns quaking from the love we've been making
I learn to forget
It's so hard to forget
Like when that hair was wet(it's so hard to forget)

Maybe I
Oh baby I lied
But I'm much bigger than that now

Now... Punchline.

I have stood by this band a lot. When they got signed to FBR, a whole bunch of my friends were like "Punchline got signed and now they suck." But I still loved them. And then Paul left and Greg joined the band... And a bunch more of my friends were like "Punchline sucks without Paul." I missed their last show at the Hangout due to being stuck down at IUP.... So, when the new stuff started coming out, I listened and... I loved it. I mean, yeah, it was weird hearing Greg's voice. It was my first time seeing them since Greg joined. But he's good. And it's still Punchline. They have never, never let me down.

Punchline was amazing tonight. Actually, amazing doesn't even come close to explaining it. They played a lot of the songs on the cd that's coming out tuesday. I was happy to hear the songs that I hadn't heard, yet. They opened with "Flashlight." I adore this song. They also played a lot off Action with a few old, old ones thrown in there. Behrend has this crazy no mosh pit rule that kids were trying so hard to break, but those security gaurds were all on top of that. I held my place in the front in the middle and I'm pretty sure the tallest security gaurd was holding the baracade in front of me. Go figure. But he was super nice because he would move out of my view and he would duck when I went to take pictures.... Plus, Jess was all up there being "staff like" and she took a couple pictures closer up for me. But anyway... So, Punchline played "The Fake, The Snake, and the Birthday Cake" "Don't Try This At Home" "Green Light" "Battle Scars" "Open Up" "HeartSlut Transplant" and whole crap load of others, but I really don't feel like listing them all. I can't pick a favorite. I really, really can't. "Battle Scars" and "Heart Transplant" do have their special spots in my heart, though. Steve and Chris are funny kids. Their talking in between songs is seriously the best. And Chris brought up the Hangout. And then he asked who were the kids who had seen them like five years ago at The Hangout. Made me smile. Me and Jess had a moment. Us Hangout kids are the best. The end. They ended with "Battle Scars." And as soon as they left the stage pretty much everyone started singing "You're beautiful, I love you." over and over. So, they encored with three songs. They ended offically with "The World."

Punchline makes my heart smile like no other.

The end.

My old ways and this new fist
Some things broken weren't meant to be fixed
Its just a matter of opinion frankly
If nothing's happening then nothing is threatening
Let's enjoy what is dull
Stare into this moment
One way with a green light
I think its all gonna be alright
I'm better than ever and its the best day of my life

x.Punchline.x 

I just want to start off saying that I'm writting a book. About all things overrated. And why they are. It's title? The Scene is Overrated. That's all I'm going to share about this. You know, top secret project.

Hah.

I can tell you one thing that isn't overrated, though. Motion fucking City Soundtrack! That's right, kids. If you get the chance, go check them out. Live. Do it. Warped. Go.

Okay.... Show started after about an hour delay. With a band called The Matches. The type of band that you can't sit still through. You have to dance to. And this band was so full of energy. There was not one dull moment. They were all over the stage. They were a great first band. They got the energy going. I really enjoyed them.  They did slow it down with one song that was complete with humming. About halfway through their set they mentioned writting a song with Tim Armstrong and quite honestly.... If I didn't like them before I heard that, they would have gotten my approval just for that. I mean, Tim Armstrong is like a god to me....And if he thinks they are good enough to work with.... But anyway.... Back to the music, baby.... I bought their cd. And I was kind of dissapointed. Because they had so much energy and it was such instant smile music, live..... On CD.... It's good, don't get more wrong, but I guess it's hard to capture all that on CD. Go see this band live.


Next, was Men, Women, and Children. It was hard for me to get a feel for this band, because they only played two songs. We learn here that the delay was due to this band being pulled over by the cops on the way to campus. They were also full of energy. But a little odd. And from the two songs, I was unable to decide if it was good weird or bad weird.

The Format came up next to slow things down a bit. The singer reminded me a lot of Adam Lazzara. Until he sings. They were really good, though. They got people dancing. And singing along. They had an acoustic guitar player. This made me smile a lot. What can I say? I'm a total sucker for a band with an acoustic guitar. But they weren't all Dashboardish. They threw in the acoustic with the electric. There were moments where everyone was dancing and other moments where it was totally calm. And they did it well. I really, really enjoyed this band as well.


Now onto Motion City Soundtrack. At once point between The Format and Motion City kids broke into a mosh pit without music. Ha. They open with "Attractive Today." Which is one of my favorites, so instant total rock out mode. There whole set was amazing. It's hard to pick out one moment, one song that was the best. Everything just rocked. There was never a dull moment. Truly. Justin kept the crowd fully entertained every moment. In between songs, he talked about whatever randomly popped into his head. At one point he fired the kid taking pictures. Quote of the night: "I think inside we are all just fat, white kids with dred locks." They played "Make Out Kids" and "Time Turned Fragile" together. So, the night was complete with a total sad moment, when I thought about him and how those two songs remind me of him..... But like I said earlier.... Back to the music, baby.... Of course they played "My Favorite Accident" and "Everything is Alright" and the whole place completely broke out. Kids all jumping at once. "Modern Chemistry" was great as well. I'm really happy that they played this song, because.... In the movie of my life, this song would play at the credits. They "ended" with "Hold Me Down." One of the only slow songs they played. The other being "Autographs and Apologies." Then they came back out with "Together We'll Ring In The New Year" and "The Future Freaks Me Out." I was happy to hear them come back out with "The Future Freaks Me Out" because for a moment I was a dissapointed. I was dissapointed that they didn't play "Hangman," though. But hey, if I had it my way.... They would have played every single song on the CDs. And I honestly wouldn't have minded one bit.

I wonder how Justin keeps his hair standing up like that. And Jesse fucking rocks the fuck out on the keyboards. This kid was crazy. He was all over the place with his keyboards. It seriously was a good time to watch him. Oh, and uhm.... Random moment... I noticed he's got a green star on one of his arms. And that's like plus 5 cool points, because I've got 4 green stars on my wrist.

Expect pictures sometime later on. After I get my camera developed. Yes, developed. Sorry, but I'm far too paranoid about dropping my digital and it getting stepped on to ever take my digital to a show.

Oh, note to any girl who goes to shows.... If you can, fucking put your hair up. Only annoying moment of the night.... The two girls in front of me with their hair down.... No one likes a mouth full of sweaty hair, kids.

Just about 24 hours until I get to see Motion City Soundtrack!!! woohoo!! I'm so excited. I'm gonna have a show filled couple of months. MCS tomorrow. Then back to Erie for Punchline April 7th. Black Rose Diary April 21st. And then it's Coheed and Avenged Sevenfold May 13th. And then it's Warped. I'm not sure if I'm gonna go to Pittsburg or Darian Lake. I don't know if I want to drive in Pittsburg. I hate driving in Pittsburg. So, probably Darian Lake. I can't wait. I keep trying to convince Jen to come with me this year, but she won't.

Her birthday is coming up.... I pretty much have no idea what to get her.

So, how about right now, I'm chewing Care Bears gum. And it made my mouth horribly blue.

My sister came down on Sunday. She brought me an ice cream cake! I don't know how she managed to keep it from melting on the 3 hour drive. lol My niece and nephew came too. And so did my mom. My dad didn't come down, though. He had to take my grandma to the hospital. Seems like these days my family can't stay out of the hospital.

Which reminds me.... Mom was horribly sick Sunday. Everyone keeps telling her that she needs to go the dr. but she won't. I don't think everything has completely set in, yet.

But right now.... I need to get back to my research paper. Half way done. Procrastination isn't so bad, afterall. I mean, I've got until 1130am tomorrow. Ha. College is so overrated.

Aiight, update time. Even though there isn't too much to update because I'm pretty lame.

I'll start with my last few days at home. Last thursday, I met Jen for lunch. She gave me my birthday presents. I was so excited. More so to see her than to get presents. And that says a lot, because I'm a big fan of presents. I miss her so much when I'm at school. I miss all of my friends so much. Sometimes, I wonder why I decided to come here. What made me think that I could do this on my own?

Friday was my great grandma's birthday. She is the cutest. No lie. She was all crying while we sang "happy birthday." She turned 96 this year.

I finally got to see all my family ((for the most part)), too. Hayley and Tyler have grown so much. Hayley was talking up a storm. Not much comprehendable, but she knew what she wanted. And Tyler is so observant of everything. He just watchs everything and everyone. They are so adorable.

I got back here Sunday afternoon. And I was missing home so much. This semester for some reason has been really kicking my ass. My grades aren't at all what I would like them to be. I've been totally lacking motivation. And then there's the whole thing where my body decides it wants to be wide awake at 1am. And it thinks that 7am is a good time to go to sleep. Heh.

This week was kind of a waste. I heard the word cock enough to last me the rest of my life. And funny thing is, it's because of my English class. I've had enough of the random fits of snow. I'm tired of writing papers. I'm tired of reading stories and books that don't interest me. I miss my friends. And I miss my sister.

I've been spending far too much time on the internet since I've been back. This is partly do to procrastination. And partly due to insomnia. Especially now that I don't have anyone to spend my sleepless nights with. Or anyone to curl up with me and talk until I fall asleep. **bites lip**

And that reminds me..... I haven't seen him since I got back. Part of me is happy about this. His face, it makes my heart hurt. At the same time, I'm kinda dissapointed that I haven't seen him. I'm just a kid who can't let things go.

Thursday..... I turned 20. No more teen angst. No more teen love. No more teen feelings. Everything from here on out..... It's the real deal.

My birthday.... It was fucking amazing. Well, as amazing as it could be a million miles from the place I call home.... I mean, once it hit midnight my phone and computer screen lit up all at once and it didn't stop all day. If you hear anyone say they have the greatest friends, they are lying because mine truly are. They never cease to amaze me. I love each and everyone of them so very much. I wanted to give them all kisses.

My plans for this weekend? Research paper for forensic psych. Due tuesday and I haven't even picked a topic.

My sister is coming to visit to take me out for my birthday on Sunday. I can't wait to see her.

I wrote this a few nights ago.... The night before my birthday, actually. I just realized I didn't post it. Heh. I also realized that I haven't written in here since I got back to school. I will do that afterwards.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's funny how people come and go, places change, the faces all different, but it's all so the same.

And it's weird, I find myself missing it.

No, no. I miss the innocence of it all.

I miss the days when falling in love only took 3 days. And then in 5, you hated each other's guts.

I miss the days when I could look in the mirror and be okay with the girl looking back. I was never aware of what is to feel ugly.

I miss the days when my biggest fear was my parents. And the dark.

I didn't know what failure was.

I didn't know what it was like to be rejected. To compare myself to someone I don't even know. To feel as if my heart was smashed into a million pieces.

I was perfectly content with everything in my life.

Until one day, I woke up and became the disaster I am now.

No more innocence. I used it all up. I never guarded it like I should have. I threw it out to who ever was willing to take it.

It all just ended up in broken hearts. And bleeding wrists. Nights curled up on the bathroom floor. Crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath.

I was always so dramatic. I guess, to a certain extent I still am. Always will be.

My biggest fear is still the dark. I hate it. Dark and silence. They will drive me crazy one day.

And I guard my heart so much now. But I know, I go about it all wrong. I think that if I keep whatever I am feeling inside, that it won't matter in the end. That if I don't say it, somehow.... Somehow, that makes it less real. But it still hurts none the less.

And now, I'm never content with what I have. I always want more. Or less. Or just something.

But I can say that, I'm so much better than I used to be. Really.

In about one hour and 20 minutes, I will be 20. Goodbye teenage years. Goodbye teen angst. Everything from here on out is the real thing.

Hmm... Mom is sick again. It's pnuemonia. I can tell just by the way she is acting. She can barely speak a few words. **sighs** I do believe I'm gonna be spending some time in the hospital before break ends. I can feel it. I hate hospitals. They make me want to vomit. And the give me anxiety attacks. Even when I went to visit Steph after she had Hayley, I was freaking out. I can't handle hospitals for some reason.

Mom is passed out in room next to me. I keep checking on her. She scares me so much. I know we haven't been on the best terms since like forever, but.... **sighs**

I just don't know why she won't stop smoking. She has fucking emphazyma! It's like a no brainer. She'll never get rid of that, but right now... It's minor. She can prevent it from turning into something really, really bad. But she's not. And it frusterates me so much. And scares me to death.

I'm supposed to go and hang out with Terry tomorrow afternoon. Which is far overdue. We have so much to catch up on. I miss that kid like woah.

Thursday is time with my Jen. I'm getting my birthday present from her! I'm so excited! hehe

The friday is my great grandma ((mom's side))'s birthday. I can't to see everyone. I can't wait to see Hayley, Tyler, and Mikey. My grandma tells me stories. They are just about the cutest kids, ever. Except my niece and nephew.

But then again.... I may not be doing anything depending on how mom is doing. I am not leaving her if she is not doing any better.

Oh, and I this morning I got my money from my income taxes back. I already spent $60. I bought the Clandestine hoodie that I've wanted. It's just about the prettiest thing I've seen in a long time.

As she looks on she's so confused
Her heart is lonely broken and bruised
A closed circle with no more room for one more, screams "to hell with you"
What's wrong with this picture?
What's wrong with this picture?
Did you ever stop to think a thief in the night has come to steal your loved ones?
Did you ever take the time to see the world around us is falling apart?
Eyes closed
We've all had our eyes closed
Our hands behind our back we run and hide
From everything that moves
From everything that might put out this little light of mine

x.This.Providence.x

 

Is it a bad thing that I miss him like crazy?

Probably.

But it's probably worse that I check his away message every 5 seconds. It never changes. He's with her. And my stomach still turns every time I read it.

I just don't get it. Everytime I told him how I felt about him, lying in his arms, he would tell me "Laura, listen, I care about you so much, but I just don't think I can be in a relationship right now." This went on for months and months.

But then this girl comes along. His knows her for a couple of days and now....

He would just roll the excuses off the tip of his tongue. And I always believed him. I believed he cared. I believed that I meant something to him. But all I was good for was a late night drunken call. And I always went.

He stoped over on his way to his French midterm yesterday. We talked for a little bit. He showed me how to switch my laptop over to dial up so that I could use it while being home. He commented on my background. ((Currently Fall Out Boy with lyrics from "It's Not A Side Effect of the Cocaine. It Must be Love"))

He told me about going to see Taste of Chaos. And we discussed how long it would take him to get there. I told him not to let Atreyu rot his brain. You know, casual conversation... Making sure to avoid certain topics.

Before he left he gave me a long hug. And then said "goodbye." Only he called me by my name. Not my nickname. And that kinda made me wanna throw up.

When he was walking out the door, he turned around and looked back. And he had this odd look in his eyes.

**Sighs**

So, before I left school yesterday... ((I'm home for a week on Spring Break)) I finally brought myself around to writing in Nikki's card so that I could send it to her. It was so hard. And I didn't know what to say. I mean, what do you say to a girl that you've known since you were little, who is now in the hospital fighting desperatly for her life? I didn't know. I still don't know. I wrote some cliche deal about how I hope she's feeling better. And how things will be okay. But I don't know if they will be. I wish I could make her a promise that she'll leave that hospital. And then I told he that she in constantly in my thoughts. And that I look up to her so much because she's such an amazinly beautiful and strong person. Which is the truth. I know, if I was in her place I would have given up long ago.

I found the cure to growing older
And you're the only place that feels like home
Just so you know, you'll never know
And some secrets weren't meant to be told
But I found the cure to growing older
I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends
And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again
And I've got arrogance down to a science
Oh, and I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends
Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up
Can't cover it up
Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips
I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped
Back to your family cause I know you will be missed
So you can find a safe place, brace yourself
They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone
Always weigh what I've got against what I left
So progress report: I am missing you to death

x.Fall.Out.Boy.x

 

 

So, I was gonna write another emo-rific entry lastnight, but instead I saved it for today.

Spacing out my drama.

I would tell him so much if he were around right now. But probably by the time he comes around again, my words would have vanished. They always do. When I need them most. I'm such a loser. A failure. A mistake.

Something happened lastnight and I reacted in a way that I really shouldn't have. I mean, I knew it was coming for a long time. But I guess, I was just holding on to a fantasy that maybe someday I would mean a little more to a certain someone. And now I realize that it was nothing more than a convience factor. I'm an easy girl who is a sucker for guys who say pretty things. For guys who give me a place to sleep when I can't. For guys who keep me holding on with that mystery in there eyes. Oh, such a sucker.

Sometimes, I think that's all I'll ever be to guys. That girl they call up at 2am because they are drunk and they know I'll be awake. And they know I'll get dressed and come over. I fall for it everytime.

((I want a boy who's too drunk to talk))

I've got this constant urge to be needed. To be wanted. And to know it. I want to fall and not end up appologizing in the end. I want someone in my life that when I hold their hand everything feels okay.

I want to fall in love.

But it's funny that I say that....

But anyway... So lastnight.... I left here around 11pm. And I just walked around campus in the rain. Headphones blaring. Tears streaming. Makeup running.

Me and Jen were texting eachother back and forth. I know I say this all the time, but that girl is amazing. And I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She calms me down when I'm being irrational. And tells me that Ebay won't let me sell my heart to someone else. She makes me strong.

I got back here around 1230. And I felt so much better. Sat down and wrote my English paper.

Today I was okay. It was so springish outside. Made me smile to be able to walk outside in a hoodie.

Maybe, I've got some things wrong. But hell, I wouldn't know.

It's funny how he can tear me apart inside and have no idea. Dropping hints. Lines. All there for me to notice. But he has no idea how it makes me feel inside. I'll always just be his fall back. Just like I am with every other boy I get close to. I'm never anyone's first choice. But I'm always that girl they come back to. I'm never bad enough to get rid of completely. But I am never good enough to keep around for good.

 I find it hard to leave my room each morning without putting on makeup and doing something pretty to my hair. I wish I could be one of those girls that just wakes up in the morning gorgeous.

Or a gorgeous girl in general.

Sometimes, I feel as if looks are all that matters. Because that's what people see. You know, if someone looks happy then they are. If someone is smiling then it must be true. But maybe, they are just good at faking it.

And I'm pretty much a master at faking it.

Fake smile. Fake look. Fake hair color. Faking not caring. Faking it like you don't matter. But really, I am avoiding every place where I know I'll have to see you. Because I don't want to. Your face makes my heart hurt. And I really don't even know why. It's not like it was anything more than just convienant. Right?

Sometimes, I just want to break free. You know, come off as what I really am. But people never take that serious. I'm only sad for the attention. It's kinda funny, really. I make myself into something I'm not for attention. And I don't get it. It's only when my heart is bleeding in someone else's hands that I get attention. And by then, I don't even want it.

The real me: A sad kid who can't fix it. A girl who can't control how she feels about anything. A contradiction. Someone who is dying to live. Little girl. Pale white skin. Ripped jeans. Tank top. Chipped black nailpolish. Freckles. Green eyes with just the tiniest glimmer.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'4"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
No.

3. Do you own a gun?
No.

4. Rehab?
No and the only rehab I plan on seeing is after I'm done with school. And I'm counseling kids in rehab.

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
I get nervous before meeting anyone.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Eh, I don't really like 'em.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I hate Christmas music.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Orange pineapple juice. Or coffee.

9. Do you do push-ups?
lmao. I have never once done a push-up.

10. Have you ever done ecstacy?
No.

11. Are you vegan?
I've thought about it, but there are a couple of things that I don't think I could give up.

12. Do you like painkillers?
If I'm in pain and they take that pain away, yes.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My irresistable charm. lol

14. Do you own a knife?
Yes.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
I most certainly do.

16. Date Of Birth?
03.23.1986

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. I hate my computer.
2. My head needs to stop hurting.
3. I can't wait till summer. I miss it.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
1. Carebear and a card to send Nikki.
2. Food.
3. Clothes.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
1. Code Red.
2. Iced tea.
3. Coffee.
4. Orange pineapple juice.
5. Apple juice.

20. What time did you wake up today?
610am.

21. current hair?
It's real cute today, I think. It's up in a ponytail, but it's all wavy.

22. Current worry?
My antropology test and my prob. and stats. test.

23. Current hate?
My computer and how it's randomly shutting down again.

24. Favorite place to be?
At a good show, in the middle of a mosh pit.

25. Least favorite place to be?
Prob. and stats. 8am and math don't mix well for me.

26. Where would you like to go?
Some place warm and sunny.

27. Do you own slippers?
No.

28. I can only imagine?
What it's like to be you.

29. Do you burn or tan?
Neither. I stay pale as all ever all year 'round.

30. Last thing you ate?
I don't remember.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Fuck pirates. I hate pirates. They are overrated.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Last saturday night. That night was insane from what I remember.

33. last song you sang in the shower?
Probably the last time I was home alone.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Strangers. I had this horrible fear that someone was going to break into my room at night and kidnap me.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Nothing.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Someone's bulletin on MySpace.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
I don't know. I never had anything fun.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
When I was little and cut my arm open on a chain link fence. It was real bad.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think there are 3 at home.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Probably Jen. Or Jessica.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Jenelle.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I have no idea.

44. Do you wish on stars?
All the time. Too bad wishes don't come true.

45. What is your favorite book?
Hunter S. Thompson- The Rum Diary.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Skittles minus the purple ones.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
I don't know.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't know. I've never thought about it.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
I was sitting here most likely writting.

50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
Yes, I do. Piercings too. It's like a super adrenalin rush. And it's awesome.

I went home for the weekend. There are times when I miss home so much. And then other times when I wouldn't mind if I never saw Erie ever again. This time it was good to be home. It feels so nice to sleep in my own bed. To fall asleep at 3am watching Jackass. To wake up and shower in my own bathroom.

But then there are times where I hate being there. When being home reminds me of everything that I ran away from. It reminds me of that girl that I try to hide so desperatly. Pretend I'm not her.

When I am away at school, I get so lonely. I miss my friends. I miss having people I know that I can depend on. I had someone here that made me feel less lonely, but that proved to be nothing much. I hate being alone. It frightens me so much.

I hate feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people.

I miss having someone's arms to fall asleep in. I miss having someone tell me "Baby, it's going to be okay. You can make it through this." And I believe them. I miss having someone to kiss. Like truly kiss. A kiss that means something. For both people involved. I miss the way it feels to be in love. To fall in love. To be in a crowded room and only see one person. And that's all that matters.


//More than words you keep to yourself.
Like a curse that fares thee well.
One man came, one truth to tell.
All this blame, hammers your way to hell.
I’ve got a feeling it’s not the safest place to start.
This heavy breathing, it seems, we’re better off breaking hearts.
From the beginning, dulled down and lost with all its charm.
I just wanna wake up, wake up in someone’s…
I just wanna wake up.
I just wanna wake up in someone else’s arms.\

x.Mae.x

...Just for attention.

 

I've been on this hardcore FBR kick lately. It started with just Fall Out Boy, but it's expanded. lol My playlist right now consists of: FOB, The Acedemy Is...., Panic!, Paramore, October Fall, Forgive Durden, Punchline, Gym Class Heros, and Cute Is What We Aim For. It's a good time. I really can't wait for the new Punchline cd. I still think it's weird that I can go into a cd store and buy Punchline. I guess that's what happens when you watch a band grow. I hope that they play The Hangout this summer. I missed their last show at home, because I was at school. I miss Punchline shows.

I'm thinking about making this my new offical journal instead of livejournal. (( http://xbattlexstarx.livejournal.com/)) Just because.... Sometimes there I feel like I need to edit myself. I don't know why I give people the links to my journals. Because this happens every now and then. Too many people get ahold of it. Or something happens with a boy. And they have the link. And I write about my feelings. And they read it. And then they throw a fit. Blah. Blah. Blah. It's my journal. My feelings. I shouldn't have to edit them. But I feel I have to, because I hate when people freak out at me. Esp. when it's because of the way I feel about something. Or someone.

And I hate when people read my LJ when I'm having a bad day. It happens, sometimes. And they get all worried about me. I mean, yeah, sure it's nice to know people care. That they worry. But I don't think that I need extra attention just because I'm having a rough day. Yes, sometimes I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn't. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit for no reason. Yes, sometimes I go for days without cracking a smile. Yes, sometimes I cry for hours for no reason. Yes, sometimes nothing makes me happy. It happens. There are days that I just don't want to be alive anymore. I feel as if I can't handle living anymore. But they always pass. I go from one extreme to another. Sometimes within minutes. One minute everything bothers me and the next I'm the most carefree person.

But I can say that recentally, those jumps in my mood have been more intense and more frequent. It gets so frusterating to not have any control over the way you feel. I think that's what I have the most problems with. Not having control. I hate when good things make me upset. Or when I laugh at bad things. Sometimes, I'm so messed up.

 

/Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention.
Cause that's just ridiculously on.
Well, she sure is going to get it
Here's the setting
Fashion magazines line the walls now
The walls line the bullet holes
Have some composure
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no
You're pulling the trigger
Pulling the trigger
All wrong
Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!

x.Panic!.At.The.Disco.x

....Cause you don't know who I really am.  -Fall.Out.Boy

You keep telling me over and over again, "I thought you were something special. I thought you were different. I thought you weren't like every other girl. I thought you were special."

Hunny, I'm not special. That girl you had built up in your imagination to be me is the special one. She is not me. You don't know me. You never did know me. Because remember... In highschool... You were far too cool to be seen with a girl like me. You were in the scene and I was just on the outside edges. You remember all those times that your bestfriend sat and ripped me apart, because I never really fit in? Never once did you jump in and defend me. Everyone else did. Where was this so called love you've had for me since the moment you saw me, then?

You say that you love everything about me. You don't even fucking know me. Never once did you stop and ask, either. It was always about you. Your problems. You're always worse off. You're so stuck in your own world. I really think you should step outside. Realize there is so much more out there. Then, maybe, you'll get off this false image you have built up of me inside your head. Realize I'm not worth the time. Move on.

And never once led you on. I told you from the moment you decided that I was going to be your next obsession that you never had a chance. So, don't even go on about how I led you on. How I broke your heart. You're just looking for someone to blame your pain on. I am the cause to all your problems, right? Wrong. You cause your problems. Obsessing over some dilusion you have of a girl you barely know may make things fade a little, but it won't resolve anything. The resolution is somewhere in yourself.

It's funny how some people thrive off causing drama. Off trying to drag others down in the mud with them. It's so childish. Grow up. We aren't in highschool, anymore. I don't have time for your games.